The Piscivore:
Carp by Any Other Name
Cost More but Still Taste as Bad

by Norman D. Edelen, Jr.
First published in The Fish Flash, Greater Portland Aquarium Society, March 1999
Aquarticles

Aquarists who rent apartments must often find themselves jealous of their fellow hobbyists that own houses. Home-owning aquarists have so much room! Often they have a single room in their dwelling devoted entirely to aquaristic undertakings. Fishrooms. Amazing spare bedrooms or dank basement quarters full of the whining hum of blowers were no thought is given to human comfort, were carpet is undesirable and wet and moldy if present, were ugly tanks can be hidden away from the causal visitor and proudly displayed to those guests equally as caught up in the hobby. The trophy tank may have a place in the family room, but that bare ‘working’ tank full of fry will be stuffed into the fishroom.

Apartment hobbyists surely have cause for envy. Dank leaking tanks full of fry balancing upon the kitchen counter, or perched precipitously on the television. The slightly unpleasant aroma of flake food ground into the fungus laden living room carpet. The racket of air pumps and filters constantly detracting from the simple pleasure of watching television. The python always underfoot. Aquariums kept dry and in storage for lack of space. All of these hardships nourishes the envy of the poor apartment aquarists, but nothing bothers the renter more than the ability of the purchaser to establish expansive backyard ponds, lively and colorful with lilies and fish, attracting all manner of wildlife, and providing continual solace for the home owning soul.

The backyard pond is a veritable oasis of sights and sounds completely exotic to the average renter. No enterprise undertaken by the poor victim of the landlords can possibly provide as great a sense of accomplishment, nor as near a recreation of Arcadia. Sedating sounds of moving waters, the stately powerful movements of large gaudy carp, flowers and more flowers, humming insect wings. A complete departure from glass boxes with timid stressed fish. Even the carp, generally a despised aquatic nuisance of little worth, small beauty, and no value has been transformed by pond keeping into a living fantasy of color and endearing personality. And value? Some of these fancy carp can be purchased for the price of houses! Even the name is exotic and magical: Koi.

Obviously the poor renter has little recourse available when it comes to sating this longing for the blessings of a pond. Patio tub ponds are only suitable to remind one of the true splendor of the backyard garden pond; they only cause the bile of envy to rise to the throat that much faster, and with a much more acidic burn. This envy is especially poignant when the renting aquarist has a landlord that maintains a pond. Since the Koi is the soul of the garden pond, nothing sort of enjoying at least one of these wondrous colored carp will suffice. Impossible for the apartment dweller….

But wait! There is more than one way to "enjoy" a fish! With Grinch-like stealthy glee the renter can pilfer one of the pond-keeping landlord’s glorious painted carp, and retire into the small cluttered aquarium-ridden apartment kitchen to digest the essence of Koi. Obviously some research should be entered into before nocturnally leaping the landlord’s fence. One always needs a full appreciation of quality. Here is a rule of thumb though: surely if the most expensive of wines tastes best, then it stands to reason that the most expensive of Koi should be more pleasing to the palate. Perhaps a chatty visit with the landlord beforehand will allow determination of which animal to take. Every pond owner loves to talk about his or her charges, and with little prompting usually will divulge the estimated value of each animal. Allow leeway for bragging though.

So, acquiring the Koi seems simple enough, but not many recipes call for them. Luckily, Koi are really just beautified carp, and while carp might not oft be eaten, recipes do exist. A local recipe that might benefit the potential thief originated with a local dentist of Japanese ancestry named Masa Hiro Oyamada, who was also widely known as "Little Doc." He was a patriotic American, with two sons in the United States Army during World War II, and who acted as a translator for the FBI on a voluntary basis, yet even so passed away in the Heart Mountain, Wyoming, relocation camp in 1943. This Portland resident was famous in his day among the angling community in town for landing a ten-pound steelhead from the Big Nestucca River. This in itself wasn’t so remarkable, but what amazed his contemporaries and earned him renown was the fact that his hook had failed to even touch the fish, but rather had passed through the eye of a hook already lodged in the jaw of the animal. Below is Little Doc’s recipe for carp:

Scale and dress carp, cutting into large pieces. If female, save roe. The head must not be discarded. Place in large kettle, and cover with water to which liberal amount of soy sauce has been added. Add packet of mixed pickling spices. Pepper and salt to taste. Boil gently until fish is thoroughly done. Serve hot or allow to cool in its own jelly – when it is worthy to associate with the very best potato salad.

Hopefully that fact that this recipe is of local origin will mean that it is suitable for any carp pilfered locally. Please make sure you ask your pond owner if he medicates the fish before embarking on this project, as some medications may become trapped in the flesh of the animal, and may prove harmful if ingested. Even cooking may not alleviate this potential threat. Hopefully each bite of this dish will temper the renter’s envy to some degree, and therefore taste sweet. If the meal doesn’t fully remove all traces of jealousy, repeat as needed, and perhaps invite the landlord over for a dinner of "Mystery Fish" prepared "Little Doc" style.

Reference:

Lampman, Ben Hur. The Coming of the Pond Fishes. Portland, OR: Binfords & Mort, 1946.