The Wacky Fish World
by Ed Katuska
Parts of a monthly column written for Wet Pet Gazette, Norwalk Aquarium Society
Aquarticles
Thinning the herd
11/29/95- Melbourne, Australia (AP)-- The badly decomposed remains of Neil Wilson of
Melbourne were discovered in a paddock near the Toolondo Reservoir. Neil’s death was
shrouded in mystery, tragedy, and a fish suit. Law enforcement officials said the
49-year-old man was wearing a heavy green plastic bodysuit, which he apparently
constructed from old waterbed material. The suit was designed with an external full-length
zipper in the back along the spine, constricting his legs into a mermaid like tail. The
only openings in the suit besides the zipper were two holes for the eyes. The suit
enclosed his entire body like a maritime mummy costume, thus restricting movement and
breathing. A second, yellow colored suit was found in his garage.
Officials have learned the victim was taking medication at the time for epilepsy and
diabetes and speculate that his behavior may have had a chemical basis but locals have
their own theories about the aquatic adventure. "He wanted to be a fish,"
exclaimed one unnamed resident, recalling incidents in which Wilson would swing from a
rope while wearing the suit at the lake.
Kidnapped
6/13/00- New Orleans, Louisiana (ABPnews.com)—Outfitted in a floppy hat and plaid
pants with a fake Nikon camera slung around it’s neck, the 5 foot fish was one of 100
displayed by various artists and placed around the city as part of the Convention and
Visitors Bureau’s Festival of Fins, said Claire Murphy, an artist. It vanished last
week from its perch outside the Louisiana Superdome. Police said the fish snatchers were
so anxious to net the massive fish they shattered its rear fins in a bid to pry him loose
from his concrete mooring. For days Murphy pined for the one that got away and wondered
whether this was the beginning of a fish snatching crime spree or just a fluke.
On Monday workers at the Superdome got an anonymous call, apparently from the fish
thieves and were told where the fish could be found. The fish was a little green around
the gills after its abduction, said Michael Murphy, the artist husband. In fact it was
practically filleted. "He was almost split in half", he said. But Claire Murphy
was relieved to have him back and will do whatever it takes to restore Tour de Grouper to
his former kitschy glory. "A local studio will help repair the fins, and I will
repaint the damaged areas, replace the camera…and he will be returned to his perch in
front of the Superdome. My 74-year old mother says if they catch the guys, she’s
going down there with her BB gun," Murphy said.
Just when you thought it was safe to take a bath
6/13/00- Portugal (AP)-- A British holidaymaker in Portugal got a huge surprise when the
five-foot shark he brought back to his hotel room began to splash about in his bath. The
man thought the shark was dead after he caught it while on a fishing trip, but it took to
life once he put it in the water filled tub. He rang the hotel reception to report his
lively roommate and when employees arrived on the scene, they found the bathroom flooded.
When the tourist finally checked out he left a thank-you note saying he hoped management
enjoyed the present.
There was no word on the fate of the fish.
Stern measures
5/16/00 – New York, New York (AP)- It appears that longtime radio shock jock Howard
Stern has come under fire from animal activists groups. On a recent broadcast of the
"Howard Stern Radio Show" on CBS, Howard apparently spanked one of his female
guests on the derriere with a dead fish. Dawn Carr, the campaign coordinator for People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was not amused, and publicly condemned this action
declaring that using a dead fish in that way "shows a disrespect for life, certainly
for the lives of those fish."
Dracula Fish
4/19/00 – Big Pine Key, FL (AP) – A 17 year old girl snorkeling for the first
time was almost killed when a needle-nosed houndfish jumped out of the water and struck
her in the neck. Stephanie Mittler was recovering Tuesday after emergency surgery to close
her wounds and remove two pieces of the fish's serrated bill, including one that came
within a millimeter of her carotid artery. Stephanie was standing in chest high water when
the fish jumped from the ocean and stuck in her neck.
Houndfish are related to needle fish, average between three and six pounds, and are
feared by fishermen because they can leap from the water and inflict stab wounds when they
are startled.
Laura Mittler, Stephanie’s mother, said that it is ironic that her daughter was
injured by a fish. "She hates seafood and she hates fish," Mittler said. "I
told her the fish gods have gotten her back for hating them so much."
OOOuch, That’s Gonna Leave A Mark
8/1/00 – Acapulco, Mexico (Reuters) – A giant swordfish hooked off the Mexican
coast jumped into a fisherman’s boat and stabbed the man through the abdomen, a
hospital spokesman said. Dr. David Millan of the General Hospital in the pacific resort of
Acapulco said Jose Rojas Mayarita, 39, was reeling in the 10-foot marlin when the fish
leaped from the waves and landed on him. The marlin’s spear pierced the
fisherman’s abdomen and came out the other side. Rojas drifted for two days in his
boat, unable to get up, until another vessel rescued him. He was treated and under
observation in the hospital.
And this little piggy was fish food
07/02/98- Dodgeville, Wisconsin (AP)- Dan Droessler, a policeman from Platteville, Wis.,
says he hauled in a 36 inch muskellunge that bit him on the foot. He was apparently
dangling his foot over the side of his canoe while vacationing on Twin Valley Lake at
Governor Dodge State Park. Floating along, he felt a bite on his foot, only to find a
tiger muskie attached. He landed the 36-inch fish in his canoe. A local hospital used 60
stitches to close the wound.
Wait, the story gets better-
The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources confiscated the fish, saying it’s not
of legal size and that catching the fish with a foot is illegal. The fish was taken to a
freezer in Dodgeville while Droessler is negotiating with the DNR about the pending
charges.
Oops, excuuuse us
09/20/00- Gothenborg, Sweden (Reuters)- A full-scale nuclear alert was launched by NATO
after submarine sounds were heard under the sea off the Swedish coast could have been
sparked by flatulent fish. A fleet of ships headed for the Baltic Sea on full alert to
track down "enemy submarines", but found nothing. Instead, analysis of the
propeller-like noises detected underwater showed the sound could have come from a shoal of
herring passing wind.
Incoming
09/22/00- Wimbourne, Australia (Reuters)- Brian Farley’s wayward tee shot was heading
for the middle of a lake until it bounced off the head of a dead fish and back onto the
fairway. Mr. Farley found the 6 lb. 8 oz. fish floating in the lake with a golf ball-sized
dent in its head. The 50-year-old completed the hole in a respectable three shots before
fishing the pike out of the lake to back up his amazing good luck story.
Course director Stuart Hudson said other club members were only convinced of the fishy
tale after closely inspecting the dent on the pike’s head. The fish head, complete
with golf ball imprint, has been stuffed and is hanging on the club house wall. The rest
of the pike was fed to Mr. Farley’s cat.
From an upstate New York fishing journal:
A photo shows a guy standing in the water holding a large fish, with a dog in the
background.
Caption: Brant Lake also has some big walleyes. Francis Peat holds a ten pounder while
his dong continues to fish.
(Typos are great. The photograph unfortunately did not accompany this news item, if I
can get a copy I will rerun this tidbit.)
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